Okay, so everyone knows or assumes in order for any relationship to thrive sex is a necessity. You gotta give it to your man 2-3 times a day, every day of the week, no matter if you’re up for it or not….but the real fucking question is who came up with this shit? Who sat here and said it’s completely okay to dismiss a persons feelings and mental well being for the sake of making sure someone else is happy?
Now I briefly went over sexual abuse in my blog “Abusive Relationships” but didn’t dive into it too much. Most will say it’s not possible to be raped in a relationship because when you get into one you’re forfeiting any rights to your body. Now this isn’t just one sided men and women do this. As much as I don’t want to admit it I’m guilty of this. But, to say the least I think we all are. If you’re horny or in a mood it’s not your girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, or spouses responsibility to “take care” of it if they tell you or you see they’re not in the mood. The thing where this becomes a problem is people’s ego gets involved and they can’t respect the other persons boundaries.
How many times have you told your partner not now, I’m not in the mood, or I just wanna cuddle then they still take it upon themselves to pull your pants down in your sleep even though you said no? Those I’ve asked about this have just said they didn’t mind because they ended up wanting it anyway. But what does that end up saying about that person not respecting your boundaries that you set? Do you feel like that makes it okay just because you’re in a relationship with them? Is that an excuse for them to violate your body?
Don’t go all she’s being extreme it’s not even that serious. Yeah to you it may not be, but to the woman who’s unhappy and simply had sex with her husband because she knows that’s the “role” she’s supposed to play it may be serious to her.
Or hell even the women in the 50’s who were clearly unhappy and wanting to leave. But didn’t because they couldn’t even provide for themselves so they had no choice but to be submissive to their husbands.
Hell even men. We know men generally won’t even verbalize they aren’t in the mood, or women know sex will always make them feel better no matter what. So regardless to the mood that the man is in she will always let sex be an option. But, as a man how exactly can you let your woman know you’re not up for sex? Or if you’d rather just lay up and watch movies with her. Without her assuming you want it to lead to more than that?
To me it seems like unless boundaries are enforced from day one, when in the heat of the moment what could be seen as playing “hard to get” can easily be taken as oh I’m gonna have to take it. When in all actuality there isn’t shit to take. If that person says they don’t want sex it’s not up to you to decide if there is some underlying answer in-between the answer that was already given. This alone is why communication is essential and necessary so that there isn’t any confusion on what’s being said or any of their actions that could possibly be misconstrued.
I’m sure when most read this they won’t agree because, rape is a serious word to be thrown around and if it boils down who is going to believe a man or woman when they tell someone their boyfriend or girlfriend raped them? They’ll take it as a joke then follow it up with “but was it good?”….because that’s really the question someone wants to hear….I hope you were able to take something from reading this and truly understand how important it is to respect the other persons boundaries…..
You remember when you were younger hearing the term, “you need to go put some clothes on so and so will be coming over”. That was a never-ending thing but because you didn’t wanna challenge authority you never questioned it. Only to grow up realizing there was a possibility of a child molester or rapist being in your family. It just makes you wonder how far back did this go that it was deemed acceptable to wanna look out for a grown man/women’s best interest opposed to an innocent child who can’t defend themselves. Nowadays you see this more and more frequently. When a girl is dressed a certain way or just dressed normal, she will be called fast, and body shamed at an early age. Which down the line will only lead to her feeling ashamed of her temple that she barely even got the chance to learn to love. But it was never the case that little girl was fast. Mothers just didn’t have the balls to truly love their daughters the way they needed to be loved and it was and still is common for the father not to be around so the little girl sought out for love wherever she could get it. Even though all the way back in the 30’s and 40’s it was normal for a girl to get married young or for the guy she dated to be older even if she wasn’t of legal age. This day and age though nobody seem to give a damn about the fact, just because you’re 18 that doesn’t mean a damn thing. If I personally knew what all I do now at 18 I could’ve avoided a lot of the bullshit I had to deal with later down the line. The point in the matter is viewing little girls as grown women at an early age is the issue in itself. Girls these days can’t wear their hair a certain way, or wear a harmless spaghetti strap top without an older woman telling her she needs to cover up. The real question with this is although most women that have went through being raped, molested, or anything else at a young age, why do they seem to feel it’s a better idea to look out for someone that could potentially harm their children as opposed to removing that person from the environment and letting them know they aren’t welcome? Instead they force their girls to cover up, shame her for the rest of her life, then when she gets older just continues the same pattern with other young girls and her own children.
That’s not even scratching the surface, it’s already bad enough sexualizing little boys is even worse because it’s so accepted it’s almost sickening. Before they’re even close to hitting puberty, boys are taught how necessary it is to have multiple girlfriends or how they will grow up to be a lady’s man. So now as the boy gets older he doesn’t view women in a positive light. All he feels is necessary is, to get in their pants or to make sure that he has a high body count. But nobody wants to talk about how boys can be molested or raped. Not even so much by men, but women more than anything. Since apparently losing your virginity by age 7 is a thing boys aren’t taught to understand. Nor is it not okay for a grown woman to be attracted to a young boy. Or if an older woman is touching them in a way that makes them uncomfortable to tell them to stop or to notify an adult. This alone is why so many boys have unresolved sexual trauma because they are taught so fucking early that this type of shit is okay when it’s really not. I myself am curious as to how it’s okay for women to even joke about a 5 or 6-year-old boy being their boyfriend even if it’s in a harmless way. A little kid won’t see it as harmless, they’ll just take it as a compliment that an older woman likes them. Haven’t yall ever heard the term more than not from a man, how he was always into older women? At a young age at that? What in the entire fuck is normal about boys having an attraction to older women unless there’s a possibility of them being molested. But hey don’t shoot the messenger for putting a title on something that’s so widely normalized by the world.
Although, that is something we need to speak about is why are girls shamed so early on for their body but boys it’s damn near something worth giving them a gold medal for even losing their virginity? Or even better, why is it these days on Facebook ads or magazines do they have these little girls dressed in tight skirts, rompers, or tight clothing period? Even though a pedophile will always be a pedophile it’s almost as if they are trying to gear these types of ads to older men. Because, you really fucking think a baby boy is gonna look at a baby girl and say “damn she looks really good in that romper, or damn look at her legs!”. Hell no, ain’t no kid that young gonna say some shit like that. But, a grown man will, or maybe even dress it up and say I want my daughter to look like that. Look like what exactly? Please be more specific in what you’re referencing in the picture.
Then the thing with that is it’s a double-edged sword. The media wants to aid in attracting grown men to these little girls and calling what they have on cute and stylish. Or labeling it as a “Mommy and Me” outfit set. But you get around these older generation and a girl can’t even wear a simple tank top and shorts because they don’t want grown men looking at them or eyeing them. It truly just seems like a constant battle between unresolved trauma from our aunts, grandmas, and so forth. Then we have the media damn near breeding men to be pedophiles and confuse their conscious into thinking these little girls are attractive.
Let’s not add to the fact, how there are men who sit and will wait years for a woman to finally turn 18 just to date her. Or some won’t even wait till then they’ll date her when she’s 17 and start to mold her into the woman he wants her to be. But that alone is a topic for another day. Next time though you see a man or a woman sexualizing or belittling a child for being a child don’t be afraid to say something. More than likely the people that are doing this had it done to them so they see no issue in what they’re doing……
“I’m sorry baby, I promise it won’t happen again” he says, and to your mind it won’t. He didn’t mean to it was an accident right? If you hadn’t did what you did he wouldn’t have gotten this mad. All these thoughts that run through your mind, as those dried up tears rest upon your face, and those black and blue marks start to surface on your skin. Ha, yeah he won’t do it again. Maybe next time it’ll be better. Yeah! It had to be me right? Wait….or was it me? You ask yourself over and over again whilst the room is a perfect metaphor of your heart. Shaken up, destroyed, but knowing it can easily be cleaned up. Staring off into space trying to break free of the mental chains he’s placed you under, you try to stand up only to be greeted by a black eye. It’s okay, it’s fine! I simply fell and hit my eye…wait no…no one will believe that. Now you pace the room trying to figure out how did you black your eye…you stand there searching for reasons your eye could’ve gotten this way. Your subconscious is running a mile a minute trying to aid in his rescue. But, are you sure he won’t do it again? No of course he won’t! Why would you ever say something so disrespectful when I know it was my fault! Walking through the living room telling yourself “I’ll get this cleaned up in no time!”. Once I’m done I’ll get dinner started and it’ll be as though it never happened. Your subconscious crying for you to leave before things get worse, knowing they’ll get worse. Your judgement being so cloudy, not even seeing it was never your fault. You may want to forget but your body never will. When he goes to kiss you you’ll stare into his eyes with hesitancy not knowing if you’ve said something wrong. Then you realize your lips have not separated to utter a single sentence….as you go to get dressed he’ll see the bruises on your skin and ask what happened? Your mind says is he fucking crazy? What happened? Calming the raging bull saying “I must’ve fallen when I was cleaning up earlier”. It’s no biggie it’ll go away! You go to wash the day off only to be greeted by aches and pains he’s placed on your body. Standing there as the shower water beats your skin, a tear rolls down your face as your body tries so hard to forget the pain you’re feeling.
One of the things that isn’t widely talked about is abusive relationships. It’s almost as if it’s a taboo topic or people shy away because they may feel subconsciously, they are in one too and that’s not something they are ready to come to terms with. The way that the world is set up we glorify disrespect, name calling, using our partners for money and labeling it “spoiled”, speaking to them in a way they aren’t okay with and trying to make it seem as if that person is being overly sensitive. Most of these can fall under the same thing or their own category depending on how its presented. Some people tend to think abuse is only violent or physical, if you tell them what your partner is doing, they downplay it because, “at least he’s not putting his hands on you”. As if that makes things any better. Abuse can present itself as hostility/violence, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and even financially. Financially of which isn’t talked about at all.
Have you ever gotten in an argument with your bf, gf, spouse, or partner and during the argument they called you dumb, stupid, bitch, slut, or just downright nasty things? Those all fall under forms of verbal abuse. We all have been that person when we were in an argument, we tend to let our words fly and not keep in consideration of how it could affect the other person or how it would make them feel. Or days later wondering is that how you feel about them. I’m sure you’ve heard the term, “Scars can heal, but words cut deeper”. That’s why being mindful of what you say during an argument can go so far, not even just being mindful but knowing if things are getting to heated stepping away from the debate and coming back once you’ve calmed down. But the way life is set up things don’t always tend to go that way and words are exchanged and feelings are hurt.
In terms of mentally, has it ever been an instance where you’ve constantly made that person promise after promise and never went through? Or tagged them along for the ride of your mind games and never gave them the love that they deserved? All those things fall under mental and very much so emotional abuse as well. When someone’s “Love language” isn’t being spoken it can feel as though they’re receiving half ass effort. Or their partner will state all that they do including buying gifts, sending good morning texts, always taking them out to dinner. Everything that their partner feels what they need. But, not actually paying attention to the things that make them happy. Or hell simply taking the time out to ask them “How do you need to be loved?”. Not too many people will do this because, they are so hell bent on what society says is acceptable and what you need to do to make a man or a woman happy, but not actually ASKING that partner what makes them happy though. Or maybe they are loving you in a way that you should be, but they lack the things you ask of them such as communication, understanding, making changes within themselves. Doing things like this can make someone downplay their worth and question if they’re asking for too much or if their needs simply aren’t being met…most of the time your needs aren’t being met and it’s either time to sit down and have a talk or if this has already been discussed multiple times then it may just be time to leave.
There’s the one type that isn’t widely or even talked about ever. Financial abuse, almost sounds like it’s a joke, like how can someone financially abuse me….? In an instance like this I can’t say men do it more or women do it more. It can come from either side. It may start off with buying them things or buying them dinner and instead of what you’re doing being appreciated its expected. Or if you’re out getting something and don’t bring them anything back, they throw an “adult tantrum” and try to make it seem as though you don’t care and you weren’t thinking about them. Although, this isn’t one of the forms that’s talked about the most its done day in and day out. Not even just from partners or spouses, it can be done ESPECIALLY from friends and family it’s just labeled as being taken advantage of and not so much an abuse. With women it can be dressed up as being spoiled or a gold digger. This can be a double-edged sword though cause, it can easily be misinterpreted as a love language of acts of service or receiving gifts. More than not people are out here simply using the other person just for their money. Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be spoiled and liking to receive gifts but when you’re receiving them and you’re just never satisfied with what it is that you’re getting or you always want more then it becomes a problem. Or just simply taking advantage of that person because you KNOW they will pay for it that’s abuse in itself. But the way it’s talked about most think of it as okay or some will consider it scamming. Overall, I just don’t get why this current generation is always so focused on who’s the next person they can get over on. Then, when they’re ready to settle down they get treated like complete shit and sit up wondering what they did to deserve this or say “see I’m just gonna have to go back to my old ways”. When in all actuality your “old ways” are the reason you got hurt. Along with you choosing to continue the cycle of pain. At the end of the day there’s someone that’s been hurt by someone that was also hurt or that was shown using people for financial purposes is okay. That’s why there’s so many men and women who don’t cater to one another or don’t pay for dates because there isn’t a mutual interest it’s all about well what exactly can I get from this person. Or I need to stay two or three steps ahead of them. But if we all simply loved like we’ve never been hurt the cycle would stop with someone. If you’ve been hurt grow the hell up and stop projecting that shit onto other people and take the time to be alone and deal with your shit before the next guy or girl you deal with ends up hurting someone else. Stop with the mindset I gotta get them before they get me. Now I’m not saying allow those to walk all over you, but as stated before love the way you want to be loved.
Then, I saved the best, in the most sarcastic tone, for last. Physical Abuse. Now this is the attention grabber. The one thing that everyone feels should be deemed as a reason to leave. It starts out as all fun and games play fighting or when you’re joking and you smack the person upside the head. Next thing you know you’re getting into a senseless argument and they slap you. You’re standing there asking yourself did that really happen, but due to the shock you’re having a hard time processing it. “I’m sorry baby I promise it won’t happen again, I just got really upset and it was reflex”. Then because an apology followed right after you try and justify it saying he didn’t mean it and he said he was sorry. So shortly after you take a nap or whatever to ease your mind and you wake up to him cooking or he bought you something nice. But even though you appreciate the not kind jester you still are trying to process what had happened. Now you see this one instance is how it all will start out, instead of packing your shit and saying fuck this I don’t have time for it. You chose to stay…..day in and day out you try to convince yourself it won’t happen again and this is just a “bump” you’ll get over in your relationship. You both just need to work on it, then everything will be fine. Except everything won’t be fine, he’ll keep doing it again and again just off the strength the first time was a test and you showed him all he has to do is woo you and you’ll forgive him. Let’s not add if there were marks left behind then you have to come up with some sob story about how you got them. Then the joy you will feel when no one questions your story and you’re followed up with “Oh honey you need to be more careful next time or you could really hurt yourself”. Only for your subconscious to be like are you fucking kidding me? Be careful? Next time? Just for you to smile and change the subject to silence the voice in your head that’s telling you, you need to walk away before it’s too late. A few weeks pass and another argument comes up, but of course you getting hit isn’t the first thing on your mind. Then things start to get heated and you try to ignore him hoping it’ll diffuse the situation, only for that to piss him off even more and make him feel like he’s not being heard. So, he comes over and gets into your face calling you a dumb bitch asking why you’re not listening to him, then turns around and gets in your face and you turn your music up to drown him out only for him to snatch them out because he knows it’ll provoke you. As soon as he snatches them you stand up trying to get them back and he keeps taunting you only to piss you off even more and when you go to grab them and snatch them away, he spits in your face and by reflex you slap him. From that point on you know you’re going to regret that. As you go to turn around, he’s pulling you by your hair and punching you in the arm because, how dare this stupid bitch slap me! You try your hardest to get up but he keeps kicking you down and you just get to the point you ball yourself up and you lay there defenseless crying on the floor trying to grab your phone to call the police only to realize he took your phone. As the argument starts to die down you just crawl onto the couch rocking back and forth wondering once again, how the fuck did things get to this point? Then you’re questioning why did this happen again? Just to hear that voice saying I told you this shit would happen again. You sit there thinking about what transpired and start to cry all over again, sobbing under your breath so he doesn’t hear you. Just for him to come out the bathroom and ask why you’re crying and you say “you really hurt my arm, I can’t move it”, and he replies “babe I’m sorry, I should’ve never let things even get that far, sometimes I just get pissed off then you slapping me in the face didn’t help”. You sit there listening then have the AUDACITY to apologize for slapping him when he purposely spit in your face……see that alone just goes to show there is something wrong with this picture. Now you may be sitting here reading this asking yourself how did things get this far? How did she end up having him put his hands on her again? Or you could be one of those people that cape for the man and say she should’ve never turned her music up and things would’ve never even gotten that far. Problem with all that is he intentionally provoked her so he would have reason to lay hands on her. But this all just goes to show if it happens once, it’ll damn sure happen again. The scenario alone displayed multiple signs of abuse but to you, the only one that stood out the most was the physical. That tends to be everyone’s issue, if the abuse isn’t physical, they will ignore all the other signs. Sad part is, those other signs are the I guess you can call it pre red flags to watch for. If a man or a woman has no issue verbally or mentally disrespecting you there is no reason for you to think it won’t ever become physical. Now, that’s not to say every person that is verbally, mentally, or emotionally abusive will be physically abusive. But, that’s also no excuse for you to tolerate their bullshit and keep dealing with it in hopes it’ll get better or to convince yourself things will get better. Or that it’s just something you need to work on. Now I know everyone’s journey is different and nobody is perfect but, just know if you choose to stay to weigh the pros and cons. Also realize you aren’t obligated to stay with someone while they grow. As it’s been said what is meant for you will always be for you, no matter what. Although, it’s not always necessary to have to sit back and wait for someone to grow or deal with their bullshit until you feel they are at a point they can treat you how you deserve to be treated. Now if some of this applied then honey, I’m sorry for the pill you just had to swallow. But sometimes we need to see what it is we keep choosing to ignore. Everything that glitters ain’t gold. Just remember you’re worth more than what you choose to put up with for the sake of love…….
Brujas, Blunts, and Everything Inbetween 