Abusive Relationships 

One of the things that isn’t widely talked about is abusive relationships. It’s almost as if it’s a taboo topic or people shy away because they may feel subconsciously, they are in one too and that’s not something they are ready to come to terms with. The way that the world is set up we glorify disrespect, name calling, using our partners for money and labeling it “spoiled”, speaking to them in a way they aren’t okay with and trying to make it seem as if that person is being overly sensitive. Most of these can fall under the same thing or their own category depending on how its presented. Some people tend to think abuse is only violent or physical, if you tell them what your partner is doing, they downplay it because, “at least he’s not putting his hands on you”. As if that makes things any better. Abuse can present itself as hostility/violence, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and even financially. Financially of which isn’t talked about at all.  

Have you ever gotten in an argument with your bf, gf, spouse, or partner and during the argument they called you dumb, stupid, bitch, slut, or just downright nasty things? Those all fall under forms of verbal abuse. We all have been that person when we were in an argument, we tend to let our words fly and not keep in consideration of how it could affect the other person or how it would make them feel. Or days later wondering is that how you feel about them. I’m sure you’ve heard the term, “Scars can heal, but words cut deeper”. That’s why being mindful of what you say during an argument can go so far, not even just being mindful but knowing if things are getting to heated stepping away from the debate and coming back once you’ve calmed down. But the way life is set up things don’t always tend to go that way and words are exchanged and feelings are hurt. 

 In terms of mentally, has it ever been an instance where you’ve constantly made that person promise after promise and never went through? Or tagged them along for the ride of your mind games and never gave them the love that they deserved? All those things fall under mental and very much so emotional abuse as well. When someone’s “Love language” isn’t being spoken it can feel as though they’re receiving half ass effort. Or their partner will state all that they do including buying gifts, sending good morning texts, always taking them out to dinner. Everything that their partner feels what they need. But, not actually paying attention to the things that make them happy. Or hell simply taking the time out to ask them “How do you need to be loved?”. Not too many people will do this because, they are so hell bent on what society says is acceptable and what you need to do to make a man or a woman happy, but not actually ASKING that partner what makes them happy though. Or maybe they are loving you in a way that you should be, but they lack the things you ask of them such as communication, understanding, making changes within themselves. Doing things like this can make someone downplay their worth and question if they’re asking for too much or if their needs simply aren’t being met…most of the time your needs aren’t being met and it’s either time to sit down and have a talk or if this has already been discussed multiple times then it may just be time to leave.  

There’s the one type that isn’t widely or even talked about ever. Financial abuse, almost sounds like it’s a joke, like how can someone financially abuse me….? In an instance like this I can’t say men do it more or women do it more. It can come from either side. It may start off with buying them things or buying them dinner and instead of what you’re doing being appreciated its expected. Or if you’re out getting something and don’t bring them anything back, they throw an “adult tantrum” and try to make it seem as though you don’t care and you weren’t thinking about them. Although, this isn’t one of the forms that’s talked about the most its done day in and day out. Not even just from partners or spouses, it can be done ESPECIALLY from friends and family it’s just labeled as being taken advantage of and not so much an abuse. With women it can be dressed up as being spoiled or a gold digger. This can be a double-edged sword though cause, it can easily be misinterpreted as a love language of acts of service or receiving gifts. More than not people are out here simply using the other person just for their money. Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be spoiled and liking to receive gifts but when you’re receiving them and you’re just never satisfied with what it is that you’re getting or you always want more then it becomes a problem. Or just simply taking advantage of that person because you KNOW they will pay for it that’s abuse in itself. But the way it’s talked about most think of it as okay or some will consider it scamming. Overall, I just don’t get why this current generation is always so focused on who’s the next person they can get over on. Then, when they’re ready to settle down they get treated like complete shit and sit up wondering what they did to deserve this or say “see I’m just gonna have to go back to my old ways”. When in all actuality your “old ways” are the reason you got hurt. Along with you choosing to continue the cycle of pain. At the end of the day there’s someone that’s been hurt by someone that was also hurt or that was shown using people for financial purposes is okay. That’s why there’s so many men and women who don’t cater to one another or don’t pay for dates because there isn’t a mutual interest it’s all about well what exactly can I get from this person. Or I need to stay two or three steps ahead of them. But if we all simply loved like we’ve never been hurt the cycle would stop with someone. If you’ve been hurt grow the hell up and stop projecting that shit onto other people and take the time to be alone and deal with your shit before the next guy or girl you deal with ends up hurting someone else. Stop with the mindset I gotta get them before they get me. Now I’m not saying allow those to walk all over you, but as stated before love the way you want to be loved. 

Then, I saved the best, in the most sarcastic tone, for last. Physical Abuse. Now this is the attention grabber. The one thing that everyone feels should be deemed as a reason to leave. It starts out as all fun and games play fighting or when you’re joking and you smack the person upside the head. Next thing you know you’re getting into a senseless argument and they slap you. You’re standing there asking yourself did that really happen, but due to the shock you’re having a hard time processing it. “I’m sorry baby I promise it won’t happen again, I just got really upset and it was reflex”. Then because an apology followed right after you try and justify it saying he didn’t mean it and he said he was sorry. So shortly after you take a nap or whatever to ease your mind and you wake up to him cooking or he bought you something nice. But even though you appreciate the not kind jester you still are trying to process what had happened. Now you see this one instance is how it all will start out, instead of packing your shit and saying fuck this I don’t have time for it. You chose to stay…..day in and day out you try to convince yourself it won’t happen again and this is just a “bump” you’ll get over in your relationship. You both just need to work on it, then everything will be fine. Except everything won’t be fine, he’ll keep doing it again and again just off the strength the first time was a test and you showed him all he has to do is woo you and you’ll forgive him. Let’s not add if there were marks left behind then you have to come up with some sob story about how you got them. Then the joy you will feel when no one questions your story and you’re followed up with “Oh honey you need to be more careful next time or you could really hurt yourself”. Only for your subconscious to be like are you fucking kidding me? Be careful? Next time? Just for you to smile and change the subject to silence the voice in your head that’s telling you, you need to walk away before it’s too late. A few weeks pass and another argument comes up, but of course you getting hit isn’t the first thing on your mind. Then things start to get heated and you try to ignore him hoping it’ll diffuse the situation, only for that to piss him off even more and make him feel like he’s not being heard. So, he comes over and gets into your face calling you a dumb bitch asking why you’re not listening to him, then turns around and gets in your face and you turn your music up to drown him out only for him to snatch them out because he knows it’ll provoke you. As soon as he snatches them you stand up trying to get them back and he keeps taunting you only to piss you off even more and when you go to grab them and snatch them away, he spits in your face and by reflex you slap him. From that point on you know you’re going to regret that. As you go to turn around, he’s pulling you by your hair and punching you in the arm because, how dare this stupid bitch slap me! You try your hardest to get up but he keeps kicking you down and you just get to the point you ball yourself up and you lay there defenseless crying on the floor trying to grab your phone to call the police only to realize he took your phone. As the argument starts to die down you just crawl onto the couch rocking back and forth wondering once again, how the fuck did things get to this point? Then you’re questioning why did this happen again? Just to hear that voice saying I told you this shit would happen again. You sit there thinking about what transpired and start to cry all over again, sobbing under your breath so he doesn’t hear you. Just for him to come out the bathroom and ask why you’re crying and you say “you really hurt my arm, I can’t move it”, and he replies “babe I’m sorry, I should’ve never let things even get that far, sometimes I just get pissed off then you slapping me in the face didn’t help”. You sit there listening then have the AUDACITY to apologize for slapping him when he purposely spit in your face……see that alone just goes to show there is something wrong with this picture. Now you may be sitting here reading this asking yourself how did things get this far? How did she end up having him put his hands on her again? Or you could be one of those people that cape for the man and say she should’ve never turned her music up and things would’ve never even gotten that far. Problem with all that is he intentionally provoked her so he would have reason to lay hands on her. But this all just goes to show if it happens once, it’ll damn sure happen again. The scenario alone displayed multiple signs of abuse but to you, the only one that stood out the most was the physical. That tends to be everyone’s issue, if the abuse isn’t physical, they will ignore all the other signs. Sad part is, those other signs are the I guess you can call it pre red flags to watch for. If a man or a woman has no issue verbally or mentally disrespecting you there is no reason for you to think it won’t ever become physical. Now, that’s not to say every person that is verbally, mentally, or emotionally abusive will be physically abusive. But, that’s also no excuse for you to tolerate their bullshit and keep dealing with it in hopes it’ll get better or to convince yourself things will get better. Or that it’s just something you need to work on. Now I know everyone’s journey is different and nobody is perfect but, just know if you choose to stay to weigh the pros and cons. Also realize you aren’t obligated to stay with someone while they grow. As it’s been said what is meant for you will always be for you, no matter what. Although, it’s not always necessary to have to sit back and wait for someone to grow or deal with their bullshit until you feel they are at a point they can treat you how you deserve to be treated. Now if some of this applied then honey, I’m sorry for the pill you just had to swallow. But sometimes we need to see what it is we keep choosing to ignore. Everything that glitters ain’t gold. Just remember you’re worth more than what you choose to put up with for the sake of love…….